The Dumb One returns to his school tomorrow, which for me means less Dumb One.  I hope he never finishes.  I wonder if there’s a school for cats like Monster?  She has a lot to learn.  I should enroll her in Leave Sassy Alone 101.

You want to know what else is annoying?  The Dumb One hasn’t started a fire in the woodstove in two days. It seems that the Dumb One is under the mistaken impression that the fire is for the humans’ warmth, rather than for my personal well-being.  Idiot.

P.S. Go to Facebook and “like” me.  I don’t have time to write on the blog every day, because I’m busy laying around and using the litter box and hissing at Monster.  But Facebook is easy.  I can Facebook on the way to the food dish.

Monster is still Monster, except she now escapes whenever available.  Nearly every time she does so, she becomes stranded in the icy hellscape that is the outside world.  The Feeder, much to my dismay, always makes the effort to bring her back in.  The Dumb One, in a rare moment of admirability, doesn’t seem to care that she’s isolated from my house’s warm interior.

More on this new breed of cat.  The one called Will has grown considerably, as has the newer one they call Sam.  Both are unclean, unkempt, and generally unsavory.  I feel it is my responsibility, my duty, to chronicle the dysfunction that plagues this household.

I’m back.

Now this.  I’ve just gotten used to this place… and even the hairless Will-cat.  I sent Monster to the outside a few days ago, and she reported a new sign in the front yard/litterbox.  She can’t read, so I had to do some of the leg work, myself.  Apparently, the Feeder and the Dumb One are selling my house.  I don’t even recall them asking me permission.  Well, they’re selling and have no idea where we are going to go next.  The next place better have more food, more litter, and less Dumb One.

???????

What the heck is this?  I haven’t written in a while because three weeks ago, the Feeder and the Dumb One brought home this strange hairless cat.  I don’t need another cat in the house.  I can barely tolerate Monster.  This new cat, whose name I’ve deduced to be Will, (what a dumb name for a cat) doesn’t move around, doesn’t use the litter box, doesn’t curl up on the bed, doesn’t really do anything!  YET, Will the cat seems to get all of the attention around here.  I’m at a loss.  My world is upside down.

It has become apparent that what I originally thought was some sort of cage, is more of a gladiatorial arena.  The bars aren’t high enough to incarcerate me or Monster (assuming the humans aren’t smart enough to put some sort of top on it), but we could definitely be forced to stay in there and battle, probably for the Dumb One’s sick amusement.

Speaking of sick amusement, there also appears to be some sort of torture table.  The soft, fluffy pad is most likely intended to lull us into some false sense of security (fat chance working on me, but for Monster who knows).  Then its on with probing hands, stabby needles and something called a thermometer.  This thermometer I can’t even speak about.  Never ask.

I should come up with a plan of action, and soon.  I’ve yet to consider an escape, but perhaps its time to think “outside the litter-box.”

You thought it was hard to type with paws, you should try graphic design.  Besides, I need to go downstairs and hang around the food dish.

What the deuce???

Everything is changing, and I can’t figure out where the heck I’m supposed to sleep.  This is the room I used to find the Feeder in the morning, usually with the hopes that I could get a morning snack.  On a side note, I never got a morning snack.  Never.

Back to this strange room… I find the oddest additions to be the miniature bookcase filled with picture books, and the giant cage (which I hope is for Monster, but I fear is for both of us).

Bah...

For whatever reason, the Feeder and the Dumb One spent a lot of time at work, today.  I heard confusing talk of tour operations, pointless interviews, databases, weirdness, and a general feeling of uncomfort.  Wah.  Try hanging out with Monster all day!

I got a chance to look at the new “front yard.”  Should’ve stuck with the concrete, if you ask me (which they didn’t).  Now I hear talk of working on the back yard, and continuing their chaotic business upstairs.

Well, I’ve got plans of my own.  I’m starting an intricate and complicated network of spies in the outside world.  Given its intricacy and complications, I can’t really get into the details, but sufficed to say I’ll be able to document what goes on outside this house.  With luck, I’ll be able to procure more food and less Monster.  I’m optimistic.

Now it’s time to go downstairs and hang around the food dish…

Rain, rain, go away... or not. What do I care? I don't do outside.

Everyone left today to visit “family.”  Everything was great until they came back.  I enjoyed looking out the window and imagining what it would be like for Monster to be outside getting wet, and being out of my way.

Yesterday, my captors spent a great deal of time outside in front of the prison planting bushes and spreading mulch.  They should bring that giant litter box inside, if you ask me…

And to Tom, my internet suitor:  Ummm, no.  However, if you want a cheap date I can hook you up with Monster.  Just make sure to bring a can of food and a wig (she likes hair).

It didn't look like that before. Really, this is all quite new...

Something is happening to the Feeder.  Her belly is getting bigger, and recently started to move now and again.  Monster and I try to remain close to the Feeder, so that we (‘we’ meaning ‘me,’ because Monster’s not all that bright, especially compared to me) may better assess the situation.

In other news, it’s recently been brought to my attention that my grammar is not always as precise as it should be.  It should be noted that I am a cat, a felis catus.  I don’t always have the refined method of writing as some of my primate associates.  Also, my paws keep hitting several keys at a time.  So there…